Good times

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Square 1

So he is back at home with his mom. I've been bracing the snow with my parents to go visit him and hang out. We have been kind of acting like we've been dating and it's been really nice. We'll kiss when we depart,like we used to. He tells me he loves me, which I don't at all doubt is not true. However, why bother doing these things if you're not gonna be with me? I started telling him I loved him while he was still in the hospital because I was afraid of losing him. It's important to tell the people you love that you love them & that's what I was acting on.

After rehearsing what I was going to say in my mind, I finally asked what's up with us and I think it threw him off guard but he had to of been expecting it at some point.

I told him I wanted to be with him and all I got back was "I dont know what I want to do". Maybe it was wishful thinking but I really was hoping his thoughts had changed especially with the accident. I thought he'd see how much I cared etc. etc. "I still care about you,Paige" "I love you".Those lines really don't make things better. In fact, they make everything worse.

Now I am back to square 1, trying to pick myself back up.

Life is way too short.

At 2am on Thursday, Rusty and our friend Lacy were hanging out on a roof of a vacant building. Rusty went to go sit down and ended up sitting down on a skylight and fell straight through. He hit his head on cement and got a couple staples in his head. There's some swelling in his brain.

I spent basically all weekend at the hospital. I only got to see him some of the time.

He is still in ICU,but I really hope he gets moved soon. It's been really hard because I really miss him a lot. Even though we're broken up,I'm there for him like we're not. It's been really scary but I know he's going to make it through this.

He's already come really really far. Today he has been talking a lot to his parents. He says their names and knows who they are, which is really good. He even got to eat for the first time today. He is going to be getting more sleep which is exactly what he needs at this point.

His mom said that he keeps asking her to go get him some clothes because he realized he isn't wearing any pants.He knows his name,age, and has been calling his house The Shed.All really good things.I'm so proud of him.

I'm a little scared he's not going to remember me right off the bat since I haven't been there all his life.He didn't even know his sister that well.He said her name but said he didn't know her, which could've been a joke.Still scary though.

God, I miss that kid sooo much. I miss his jokes, his laugh, being able to tell him anything, his hugs,him making fun of me, the way he smells,everything.I can't wait till he's his full Rusty self again.It'll be really great.

His mom has been really great so has daniel and everyone really. I stayed at the Pinball house the first two nights.The guys cleaned the house for me & were really sweet.

Daniel & I have been keeping eachother posted the whole time,so we don't miss anything.

Rusty's mom has been texting D & I the entire time,when she can.She's been doing such a good job with Rusty.I love her to death. I saw today that the background of her phone is a picture of Rusty & I.It made me smile a lot,because I know that after Rusty & I broke up she knew i still loved him even if he may have felt differently. I still do love him.

I have no idea what's going to happen with us after all this is over. Will he remember we dated?Will he remember we broke up? I hope he remembers me at least & then everything else will follow.I can't wait to tell him how much of a dork he is. :)

Another semester complete.

In the midst of a semester, time feels incredibly slow but near the end it feels like everything went by in a flash. I've completed 3 semesters at VCU.

I'm still a little indifferent about it and I think that's partly because of not being in the dorms this year. Although I don't miss sharing a bathroom with 39 other girls and I love having my own space & room, I miss having someone to hangout with at any given time of the day or night. It was awesome. I could be bored at midnight and someone's door would be open and ready to hang out!

Now you have to almost bribe your friends to ride their bike for 5 minutes to your house in the cold.

Snow makes a girl happy

The world is your oyster; so meet as many people as you can.

I often think about the people I have met through the diy music scene and it is, at times, mind boggling. How is it so easy to talk to people I had NEVER met before? Or more importantly, how is it so easy to open up to people I barely know?

Just not too long ago, I met this guy, Anthony, who runs Sidejar Records. I found out after talking for a little bit that he met Cayce, Ben, & Joe. Not only did he get to know them, he saw them the day before they got in the accident. Almost immediately after finding this out, I walked up to him & asked him and started bawling. Those tears came down so naturally and quickly.

It was so weird because I hadn't planned on crying, but it happened so fast. I couldn't control it. I felt bad for him because he didn't really know what to do or how to act towards me. He had only just met me and then all of a sudden I'm crying in a stranger's arms.

Moments like those, I really never expect.

Even over the summer when the Signals Midwest boys came through. I ended up spilling all this stuff with Cayce, Ben, & Joe to him. People must think I'm crazy and super emotional...

Although it can seem really weird at times, whenever I look back on all the friendships I've made in and because of this scene; I don't regret a thing.

I've met some really amazing people and it makes me wish I was in a band so I could tour and meet new people. With that said, anyone want a merch girl?

and it's been a while.

The progress I've made over the past weeks is really nice. Though I don't think it was all me. I've had help that I'm super appreciative of. I knew I could not stop him from talking about his feelings with someone. It just sucked because of who the person was and the fact that it was not with me.

Now, I just feel a little guilty because I'm doing the same thing.

god,i really miss how things used to be.

I guess I need stop thinking about the past though and think about the future.

Ha, we'll see if that actually happens.

thanksgiving break,hurry.

Time Just Speeds On By

It has already been over two months since the break up and like he has said nothing has felt too incredibly different except for a lot more pain than when we were together. I keep thinking that there has to be some way, besides being together again, that will fix. There has to be something I can do to get through this and respect his wishes. There just has to be. I wish I knew what.

A big part of me still wishes things were the same.

I feel so weak and pathetic a lot lately. That's not very common of me.

It sucks too because I feel like it's going to take me forever to emotionally/mentally get over this and how are gonna change/improve if I cant move on? If I don't give Rusty the space he wants, then I really won't be able to talk to him at all. Probably what I need because then I'll have more of a reason not to talk to him.

I really need my strength back to get through all of this.

God, I just wish things were back to normal and we were together. I think I'd feel whole-er again.

punk vacation weekend?yes,please.

Heading to gainesville,florida tonight with Rusty,Ian,and Amanda.

I'm so excited. Fest weekend is seriously like a punk vacation. It's so much fun. Not to mention, it's just like a reunion of all our friends. Just like a big hang out sesh!

It's Imadethismistake's last show before their hiatus. Not to mention, it's going to be FULL BAND with horns!!What can get better than that?

I'm also stoked about hanging out with my friend Corey who lives in Florida. I usually get to see him about once a year. However, I think this MIGHT be the second time this year? Should be fun. However, the past FESTs we've both been super busy that we don't get to hang out too much.I think this time should be different because I am going to try to hang out with Rusty less to give him some space,but I really like seeing bands with him & spending FEST with him, so we'll seee I suppose!

Now I just have to wait for everyone to get here.ughhh.I hate waiting.

I hate this a lot. I keep wanting to call him or text him. I should probably go to bed so that I stop thinking about it. I wish he would just text me so it'd be okay. I'll probably give in and call him tomorrow...it's only been a day,good god.

Day 1

of not talking to Rusty.It kinda sucks..I miss him. They have a show tomorrow,but I don't think I'm going to go.I need to get this article done by Thursday and send it to my teacher or something.

I decided to write a last of all the things I need to tell Rusty that I normally would if I was talking to him.I guess it's kinda showing me that I don't have to text him 24/7 all the timee.

I mean it's probably better not to either. I am still tryingg to think of ways for us not to fall back into how things were near the end. I really don't want that to happen again if we get back together. I think my negativity and jealousy and everything else that sucked about me near the end did not help at all and probably made things worse.

I really hope this helps Rusty out,I really do.

Numb?

Maybe numb isn't the right word, but I just feel weird, bland, I don't really know how to exactly describe it or even what word fits it best. I just know I want to live an exciting life and do awesome things but right now I don't feel like I'm doing much of anything. I don't know what to do to make my life more interesting. Going out and partying/experimenting I don't think is going to make my life more exciting, especially because I don't really enjoy it. I guess I need some change in my life. You'd think moving into my own place would be satisfying enough but I'm already accustomed to it. I really need something,but again I just don't know what.

I don't know if getting a new boyfriend would really help. Especially since I still have a lot of feelings for Rusty. But sometimes I think well maybe that'll make me realize more things about my relationship with Rusty...however,is that really worth it and/or necessary?

His party went fantastically & I'm really glad.I wanted it to be the best birthday ever and I think we were pretty successful at achieving that:).He thanked me a lot and it was really cute.He deserves to have the best birthday,ya know?The past couple of months have been really difficult for the both of us,so he needed something to break it up.

I still need something,though.

i hate this

a lot.

All I want to do at this point is be with him. It hurts so much that it can't happen.What if all this "distance" doesn't even help. I don't even know anymore.

It's weird because at the beginning of all this I was on the fence about what I wanted to do with the relationship. I knew I didn't want to jump into anything,but now I know what I want to do and Rusty isn't in the same position.

He may need this time by himself, but in a way it makes me think that maybe he doesn't want to get back together.

Hopefully this weekend will help him out.

I'm hopeful, but I don't feel like he is. I guess he needs time though. I mean things are a little hectic now. I know there's quite a few things I need to work on; personal things. But part of me just wishes we could work on our problems together...

I want to be with him. I really do miss us and how happy we were together.

I feel/hope that we can do that again. I know it'll take time..every thing does.

It's really hard not to be affectionate around him.

I guess I need to think positive about this and just try to work on myself and think about what I'm doing and what I need to do.

If we do get back together there's a few things I kinda wanna talk to him about. The other day I was talking with Elyse and Sophie. Elyse was telling us how she doesnt like the way her roommate is treated by their boyfriend. She said that he doesn't give her enough compliments when she has a nice body etc. I told her that Rusty never really gave me many compliments and she was astounded. I mean yeah, who doesn't like compliments? I do like them, but then again I dont expect someone to compliment me every day of my life & i mean if he doesn't want to can i force him?nope!I just would appreciate it from time time. It's weird because the only time I've heard him call me beautiful was when we were having an intense talk.

secondly, not a huge deal, but I always do cute little things for him because I like doing it and I feel like it helps brighten people's days. I like that. But I in a way expected him to kind of do it too.

Mehh.rambles.

My how things change

Change is such a weird thing. It really is. It's one of those things that can creep up on you so easily, without you even witnessing it, until it smacks you abruptly in the face. A lot of changes have been going on in my life, which most I haven't liked.

One day you have five best friends who you count on and love and think will be there forever. Then, all of the sudden, you aren't living your own life-you're in someone else's and the comfortness of a group of friends is no longer there.

I really didn't mind not having my own life. I mean I had a life, don't get me wrong. However, I was very much involved in Rusty's. Even though we didn't hang out every day like a lot of couples do, I was involved in his life. Well, it is a little expected once you've been dating someone for 2 and a half years.

But now, I am left alone and I don't know what is what. I feel like I need to rebuild.

I don't really want to move on from him. I just want to move forward. I need to press play again,because I've been paused for too long it seems.

There's so many things I want to do. I feel like ever since I've unfortunately fallen into this rut, I haven't had any motivation, inspiration, or passion for anything really.

I'm slowly getting out of it. I want to take Rusty with me,he's been lost in it for far too long.

I want to learn an instrument. I want to study abroad. I want to go skinny dipping.

I want to make a stencil and put it everywhere. I want to do something brave. I want to make myself happy. & more importantly I want to make the people around me happy too.

I want it back.

I want this again. God, do I miss it. I miss just having fun and enjoying each other's company. It's crazy,because I don't even feel like anything huge changed it but something had to of. Regardless, I want it back.

A Title Of A Blog Has Never Been So On Point

It was around 11:30pm, alone I sat in my car which was crookedly parked in front of my parent's house. At first when the tears came rolling off my cheeks, I sat listening to the words and melodies that Ryan, Theo, and Will sung so perfectly as I conveniently thought to turn off my car so no gas is wasted. Stil, I sat. I don't usually do this. It's not a frequent thing I even like to do. For so long I even tried to avoid such things, because I always saw others doing it and I simply hated it. I hated seeing people in such distraught and sadness. Now, it is me and I had never felt more alone in my life than at that moment. I tried to tell a close friend that I knew was near and maybe could come by for comfort, but nothing. After, I felt even more alone.
Whenever a friend has been upset or angered or broken up with..anything, I usually(if possible) drop everything I'm doing and I am there. This has never happened to me and I hoped that at that moment it wouldl, that someone would magically appear just to give me a hug or something.
So now I'm here..not so much shaking in a physical sense and extremely tired.

If I knew What Was Wrong, I would tell you

This lyric has always held a warm place in my heart, just like Paul Baribeau's other song Ten Things. This one in particular though, I relate to.. a lot. A lot of times I'll be upset and then get wrapped up in so many emotions that I don't even know why I'm upset even more. This becomes very frustrating for Rusty because he does not understand why I can't tell him what's wrong.
Last night I was in his position. He was frustrated and could not at all tell me what was upsetting him and getting him down, which in the end was frustrating for me as well. Emotions are crazy things that I don't always understand all the time. I guess it's safe to say humans are crazy,too.Haha.
I think we need another big heart to heart talk, but honestly it never feels like the right time whatsoever. I thought the first time I tried to have our first talk, I realized that there isn't a right time..but I guess Rusty has not, because each time he doesn't want to feel crappy and have to hang out with his friends etc. etc.It's understandable, yes, but these excuses will continue to pile on top of each other until they cannot any longer.
On a brighter note, we planned a last minute trip to Berea, Ohio to for a 2 day music fest called Berea Fest. I heard about this fest almost 3 years ago when the Sidekicks came through for the first time and wanted us to come. Because we've been going to the FEST in FL I didn't want to spend money on this fest. However, this time is different I guess.I felt that nothing could stop me except for work,so we're going!We leave tonight after I finish my second job of the day. Ian,Rusty and maybe Richie, and I will leave after work and drive through the night until we're too tired to drive anymore. Trips like this one are so exciting and it's one time that I'm sort of intrigued by the unknown.Bring it, Ohio!

Getting Paid To Do Absolutely Nothing

As of tuesday I have started a new job. This job consists of sitting on my butt from 8 in the morning to 5 in the evening. The purpose of the job is to burn dvds and help out with anything that the rest of the employees above us interns do not want to do.
Today my day has thus far entailed being on Facebook way too much, burning one DVD, and falling asleep a lot. In between those activities I restart a game of solitaire fifteen different times until I get sick of it. For all of this nonsense and lack of doing anything I am making fourteen dollars an hour. This is excellent of course because I am getting paid a lot for doing absolutely nothing. However, I ,in a way, hate it. I hate not doing anything and just being tired. I also hate that Ive done more work at other jobs and made half as much as I am now..it's just rediculous. Who decides these things? I mean I am sure they do not know I am sitting on my ass doing nothing and sucking all their money out in the meany time, but still.. they hired someone to burn cds for them.Really?! I just find it silly.

Did anything really change?

I was convinced I was different and that I was renewed, but last night showed me that maybe I can't just change in a week like I thought I had. I hate feeling the way I did last night. I don't usually have hatred towards myself..I've always been pretty content and find with myself. Though, last night was just like nights before where I was completely frustrated and sick of myself. I don't know what to do anymore.

More of an Explanation of this Blog

I just recently had a heart to heart with one of my favorite people. This said conversation took me almost a week or two just to initiate because of how I am. I could write you everything I feel or text you everything I feel, but when you ask me to verbally express my emotions to you or what I have been thinking or feeling that is a completely different task.It is quite the challenge.

In fact I have tried to overcome it for some time now, because it was one thing that Cayce did not understand and it bothered her. So after she passed away I made a promise to myself to not hold back anything from anyone..but it did not work so well.

Now, I am trying it again and will accomplish and conquer this obstacle.seriously.

It's crazy how that one conversation made me feel completely different. It changed my mood, my outlook, etc. definitely for the best though.

FIRST REAL ENTRY-The Music Community

Background info:Roughly two years ago this really awesome pop punkesque band from Ohio called The Sidekicks was on tour with another really awesome band, Ghost Town Trio(R.I.P) and played a sweet show at Volume Record Store( also r.i.p). Any who, after the show all the guys from each band came and hung out with a friend and I and we had a huge sleep over- to say the least a was a really fun night that lasted into the wee hours of the morning. The Sidekicks had a temporary guitarist, Max, who was touring with them for the summer.

Anyway....Max messaged me on good 'ol myspace a few months ago while I was still at VCU, asking if i could set up a show for his new band Signals Midwest. So longish story short I made it happen! Even though I really really wanted to get them a show where they could play electric, I couldn't make it happen. Recently in Norfolk and VB there has not been a lot of houses/places for all ages free electric shows. But regardless, it's a show. I of course wanted one of Rusty's bands to play..ideally Folk The System, but Daniel was out of town living it up in Florida. So I got this awesome guy, Bennett, to play some Rain Over Battle songs and then another awesome artist Todd Webb. If any of you don't know, Todd is a cartoonist a really good one at that (toddbot.com) and he will draw you for a dollar!Almost every one I have seen has been accurate.They're awesome.okay back to the music community...I ended up getting Pinball Locomotive to play too. All are really great LOCAL musicians. Not to mention Fairgrounds let me have the show there and even though it is not the best venue it is such a great place for shows...intimate, close, familiar, homey..it's just perfect. It makes the audience more like friends rather than just an audience and I love that. I love the feeling that being in a community gives you. It doesn't have to be necessarily a music community. It could be anything: brawl, skateboarding, vegetarian, a race, anything! It is all about being a part of something and being with people who share your interests. It truly brings people together.

I cant count so many different experiences on more than two hands (probably) where I have poured my heart out or just genuinely talked to someone who I had only met a few hours before hanging out and if anyone knows me well enough I am not one to pour my heart out to just anyone especially a "stranger".

Just hanging out with Max and his band mates was absolutely awesome. I feel like I can call them friends now and I just met his band mates Loren and Steve yesterday.It is seriously amazing, especially since a lot of the shows I go to now aren't just shows anymore. They are like hanging out with my friends and listening to music/watching them play. I love it. Music and communities are a great combination.

A Whole New Paige

Well, not exactly. I've had a Xanga since (i think) middle school and the most recent account I've had has too many memories that (need to be remembered) but not dwelled on, so I decided I would create a completely new blog on a new site and this is my attempt at doing so!